Not going when the going gets tough

As girls we fall asleep listening to stories of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.  As preteens we watch shows like Hannah Montana and listen to songs by the Jonas Brothers.  As teens we watch movies like P.S. I Love You and Titanic and as we cry our way throughout the movie, we tell ourselves that one day, that will be us too.  We listen to artists like Adele and let the lyrics like "I had hoped you'd see my face, And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over" melt us away.  As young women, we go into the world expecting to find the love story of our lives.  But when we've hit 27 and no man has taken us to stand at the hull of a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and made us feel like we were flying, we give up hope and "settle down".  And when it's finally too late, we realize that what we did have was splendid in its own unique way, and that we spent forever trying to chase what was really only an illusion.

For the longest time, I believed in soulmates.  I believed that you lived your life trying to find them, and that sometimes you succeeded, and other times you didn't.  Then one day, I saw an old married couple dancing before a diner closed up.  That was the day that I realized it doesn't matter how much love or passion you have in the beginning, it matters how much you build till the end.  By that logic, you could marry just about anyone in the world, and with the right approach, create a marriage that worked.  Unfortunately, with magazines like Glamour and books like Twilight on the rise, the idea of "true love" and "soulmates" and idealized relationships have come to be viewed as normal and almost as expected as Biryani at an Indian wedding.

In my health class one day, we had  a discussion on how to have a healthy relationship.  "So what do you girls expect from guys anyways?", the kid sitting next to me asked.  A girl on the other side of the room answered, "We want a guy that we can trust, and that can be sweet, and understanding, and do the small things.  You know, like take care of us when we need it or like be there for us."  It sounds simple enough right?  But what surprised me was that, a lot of the girls in my class seemed to think that that was all you needed to have a healthy relationship.  I wanted to stand up and tell them that there were five languages of love, and that sometimes the way you and your partner communicated it could be in completely different ways and cause a disconnect.  I wanted to tell them that it takes more than an understanding guy to make a relationship work and that sometimes, roses or a sweet hug just doesn't cut it.  But I don't.  I keep my mouth shut, because who am I to dash the hopes and dreams of fifteen year old girls?  But walking out of my classroom, I find myself wondering if that's even a lesson that women realize through age and not just me taking the effect of my dad's therapist influence for granted.

When I was 14, my mom sat me down and told me in a nutshell "Hollywood movies make you believe in a lie".  Tough stuff for the girl obsessed with Nicholas Sparks novels to swallow.  I remember her telling me "you don't marry someone because of some special click or nonsense like that.  You marry someone because of what's in their heart.  Hollywood movies idealize love in a way that it shouldn't be idealized."  And there went my dreams of skipping through Ireland to meet my Irish accented, beret wearing soulmate.

Over the years, I've witnessed a lot of household disputes.  It normally goes like this:  my dad does something, my mom gets mad, and my dad in that infuriatingly calm voice of his, will explain himself.  My mom won't listen and then 20 minutes later, my dad goes back and apologizes regardless of who's fault it was, and somehow, they both end up laughing about it a little while later.  It's something I've seen often enough to realize is an extremely effective yet healthy way of disputing.  In every single wedding card to people, my mom writes something cheesy along the lines of "fight often so you can make up".  That's because, contrary to what most people think, arguments are actually healthy to a marriage.  Because when you stop arguing, you've also probably stopped caring.  It's the little things like that that have shaped the way I treat the relationships in my life.  I understand that long sessions of the silent treatment don't work (that and the fact that for me, being silent is virtually impossible) and that communication is what will determine the quality of your relationship.

What I'm trying to say, is that as kids and especially as teens, we need to learn how to have a healthy and dynamic relationship.  It's not instinct, because if it was, we would get in a lot less arguments with our parents.  The only way we can learn, is by watching our parents and the people around us.  Although the concept of the rise of failed relationships is not unique to American Muslims, we are certainly contributing to the demographic.  This means that it's not too early to teach your children how to learn to love, cherish, and respect one another.  And the best and most effective way to teach us, is by demonstrating it yourselves within your own relationships.

As contrary as it seems, you fall for people because of the simple details like their dimpled smile or the color of their eyes.  But what happens when the fact that they leave their dirty socks all around the house bothers you more than any look into their eyes can make up for it?  Then what do you have?  A marriage.  As parents, the most valuable gift you can give to your child is teaching them how to deal when things get rough in a relationship, so that they don't become that doomed 50% too.

Samar